Arjuna

Rhythmic vibrations expedite life.
Electric chaos controls all thought.
Three minds try to set the stage ,
While five bodies compete for the spotlight.

Why is there war in this place?
I am the leader of all sides.

My body, the battleground;
My soul, the motive;
My perception, the weapon;
My will, the hero.

This life; this spirit; this being;
A fleeting request for tranquility’s light…

Tired of the propaganda.
Frustrated with the glorified demolition.

Let go of my prisoners of war.
Set them free, they too have
Their own wars to settle.

 

 

*********************************************************************

 

 

I’ve been here for two weeks and each day has brought with it new light. Whether it has been a sunrise over distant clouds or a synchronistic conversation with someone who is here with purpose,  I have been positively stimulated. Until last night, I had been thinking that the intense natural beauty around us must somehow be transforming the psyche of the residents and dissolving their fears.

 

Yesterday evening, I made my now daily jaunt into town for supplies, a change of scenery, and a cold beer.  I found myself making the usual stops. Stop 1 :the local ATM – there is always a threat of it having no money as the tourists filing off the ferry dock tend to bleed it dry. Stop 2: the downtown grocer – I always like to peak at the fresh catch coming off the fishing boats.  Stop 3:Larry’s Landing / Redbeard’s Saloon  –  my favorite local bar down by the wharfside village.

 

This is a place where among other things, the locals and ex pats alike routinely come to catch an afternoon buzz, take the pulse of the island,  and if lucky – watch the tail end of a Boston Red Sox game. “Larry’s” can only be described as modern day pirate tavern, where you are expected to pour you own drinks. Literally – you order a “Jack and Coke”, and you are handed a bottle of Jack Daniels, a cup full of ice, and a warm can of coke. The allowance to choose the dosage of your own poison is the most unbelievable business strategy I have ever seen at a bar. But this is an allowance I could get used to.

 

It seems that I every time that I go into this place I run in to familiar, yet completely unknown, people. These strangers are generally quick to tell you all about both their daily conquests and failures over a number of strong beverages. If you are lucky, they may have you co-pilot game of nude photo hunt with them. I found out that the owners are three ex pats. Two of whom are a couple of young guys from my “neck of the woods” in Massachusetts. I am yet to meet them, but it certainly explains the Red Sox connection and the ambiance.

 

It is a clever joint. When you stand on the back deck, while playing a game of pool on the outdoor tables, the scent is unmistakable. The warm winds gently carry the heavenly smells of high priced downtown dinner right through your nose, bypassing your brain, and causing serious yearning in your stomach. The desire to stay in town and consume is unrelenting. I wonder if the owners have some vested interest in restaurants around here. It wouldn’t surprise me given their clearly unique approach to sales.

 

 

 

 

I have begun to make friends. On this particular trip I stumbled into conversation with a young Texan named Marie. She has been living on the island for a year and worked up the street at another local establishment. This young lady is blessed with a smile that drives me wild; and I cant get enough of her accent. As we talked about our respective days, and nothing in particular, my attention was suddenly shifted to the beachfront access across the street.

 

One of Altamount’s most unusual clients – JD Aurosita, was pacing nervously across the street while staring out on the harbor.  He appeared as though he was anxiously waiting for someone or something to come ashore.  From what I have observed thus far,  I believe that like Peter Pan,  JD too has found his Neverland with allies and villains alike. Perhaps he was waiting for his own Tiger Lily to come off the ferry.

 

JD could be described superficially as an oddball hipster from Seattle. He came to to the island after a once “cured” testicular cancer relapsed in the form of torturous bony, lung, and liver metastases. When palliative radiation therapy and further attempts at chemo failed, he bailed on his life as a successful software designer and relocated to Altamount.

 

To me, JD appears as though he is consistently either pissed off, or quietly and secretively joyous – never in middle of the road and simply relaxed and comfortable. Given the situation,  I guess it makes sense.

 

He carries a small backpack everywhere. Within it is a mechanized pump that delivers continuous pain medicine to him through and intravenous line. I am not sure he could live without it. The small backpack and the tubing that comes from it only adds to his unusual appearance.

 

I excused myself from Marie with a wink, and walked toward JD…

 

“Hey what’s happening man, can I get you a beer?” I asked.

 

Tuning quickly as I approached, he grinned and replied. “I’m more of a gin and tonic kind of guy if you’re buying…” I was pleasantly surprised by his response. It seemed like an “in”… So I took a chance…

 

I considered how buying him a cocktail was fundamentally wrong (with the steady stream of morphine going into his system and all); but it was an invitation that took two weeks to materialize. I really wanted to get on his good side, after all no one on the staff had been able to connect with him thus far. We walked back over to the bar together and I ordered a round.

 

“So what are you up to this evening,” I asked candidly.

 

“Just getting some air… I needed to get away from the villa. Jamie was pissing me off today…”

 

Not wanting to overstep my bounds, I sat silently to see if his venting would open up more of his story. “She was bitching about something or other, like she usually does; it really gets me fired up…” He began to appear more annoyed, so I didn’t pursue it further. Within seconds , he had finished the drink, and was shaking the loose cubes and lime against the side of the clear plastic cup.

 

Already presuming to know his response, I offered, “I am going to be heading back up to the villa after I grab a burger, do you want to head up with me?”

 

He thanked me for the drink, and said he was set to get a ride back up in a while.  He walked off and disappeared between the buildings heading towards the center of town. Once again JD’s true shiftiness came through.

 

It irks me that JD never looks people in the eyes, he’s fidgety, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t sleep. I routinely see the lights on in his room at the villa when I come home after being out for the evening. Although the residents have the freedom to leave the property on daily excursions, usually the Simon’s prefer if they have someone with them… JD rarely did.

 

The Simon’s must have had him sign some type of disclaimer stating that if anything were to happen to him off the property, they would not be found negligent. They were understanding of his need for independence, but also aware of their own Hippocratic responsibilities.

 

My attention promptly turned back to the bar stool where I had left sweet Marie hanging…

 

Thankfully she was still there, magic smile, sweet accent, and all. Unfortunately now she was getting acquainted with some clearly drunk, knuckleheaded, greaseball tourist. His level of sunburn and outrageous slurring was particularly impressive for this time of day…

 

“Probably should have seen that one coming”, I said out loud to an uninterested and unsuspecting passerby…

 

I made my way back up to Altamount.  I started off walking through town, up and over the large hill.  It was a slow walk. As the public transportation system here seems to rely heavily on hitchhiking, I decided to throw out my thumb and catch a ride.  I was in luck as a couple of guys in a weathered blue pickup pulled over and had me jump in the back. Clearly this rig had some upgrades, including home made brazilian hardwood foot rails, and a couple of well mounted  beach chairs in the flatbed designed for just such a service. They delivered me home.  As I later found out, it was the bar owners of Larry’s who gave me the ride.

 

 

 

 

Entered days later (May 20, 2008) 

 

It wasn’t until I had several other meetings with JD that I began to notice my own diminishing tolerance for his anger. Regardless of how I felt before our encounters, my threshold for experiencing frustration and negative emotion was always lower afterwards.

 

At some point Peter (JD’s lead physician) suggested that my own psyche might simply be responding to JD’s unspoken feelings. He commented that anger is clearly a common emotion expressed by those living with life limiting illnesses. When confronted by the anger, it is normal for the caregiver to either get angry in return, or to simply and totally withdraw. This made sense. It also helped me realize why I was reluctant to visit JD in his final days. The strange part is, that I never specifically felt as though he was directing his anger at me or anyone else.  Despite his intention of inward emotional projection, it seemed infectious to all around him.

 

There was clearly a lot for him to have been angry about. He was young, had been successful, outgoing, and popular in his life before cancer. I also suspect he had much to fear. You could see it in how he acted. Whether it was fear of the unknown, of the pain from his metastatic disease,  of losing control of bodily functions or cognition, or something else.  I soon realized it (fear) was there  – and it was huge.

 

Fortunately the Simon’s put me in touch with some literature of how to approach negative emotions and maintain empathetic interactions despite them. In hindsight, it would have been very helpful to know these strategies earlier – Like even before coming to this place. Everyone should be taught this stuff.

 

Had I been equipped with such strategies earlier in my life, I wonder how I could have developed my own rage into positive energy and momentum. Perhaps I wouldn’t be here.